Maybe The Dating Pool Isn't The Problem...

I hear A LOT about how terrible dating is now.

"I would hate to date now"(which is hella annoying to hear, anyone can become single at any given time for many different reasons STOP saying this to your single friends-end rant)

"The dating pool sucks"

"Social media ruined dating and relationships" (this one might be a little valid)

People joke that there are no good men or women left, no emotionally available partners, everyone has "options" and I even hear, "no one is looking for anything serious".

Although at times, I may share similar sentiments when it comes to dating, I also see a different side to dating that maybe people don't consider, especially as I've gotten older. 

What if the dating pool isn't actually the problem?

Now hear me out first...

What if...as you grow and mature, you're on your personal journey whether its healing, self care, furthering your education or entering therapy for the first time in your life, what if all of  the growth,  changes who you're actually able to connect with?

What if it changes what we are willing to tolerate and what compatibility ACTUALLY looks like?

When you have done some introspective work, it literally changes how you perceive the world. I have become so intentional about my life that my thoughts and my mindset literally shifted. I see the world and life sooo much differently now than if you were to talk to me 10 years ago, hell even 5 years ago. 

I have spent time enjoying my own company. I've created my personal safe haven. I've traveled alone. I've taken risks on myself. I've started over. I've made mistakes. I've spent the time figuring out who I am outside of everyone else's expectations of me.

So, naturally with experience, my definition of compatibility changed, especially when it comes to dating.

Attraction is not enough. LOVE is not enough (people don't even know what love is these days). Chemistry at times is not even enough. 

The things I look for now and pay attention to are things that maybe I overlooked in the past.

Does this person have the ability to see life from a different perspective or is that person stuck in their personal way of thinking?

Is this person simply curious about life? (and what does that look like for them?)

Have they taken the time and utilized the resources to fully understand who they are as a person? (A lot of people are walking around living their life by regurgitating old beliefs or societal standards BS)

Do they have the ability to communicate through discomfort instead of being combative?

I'm not looking for "potential", I'm 37 years young baby you're going to have to come already "POTENCHED"(lol)

Honestly, working on myself has made more interested in alignment and compatibility.

Compatibility to me means more than just "love".

My conversations with men are different now and I can usually tell your depth as a person, just by a single conversation. 

I have a guy friend, we'll call him golf bae and in the past we went on about 4 dates together. Fun dates, we went golfing, went out for sushi, Boys II Men concert, etc. And at the end, he wanted to pursue something with me on a different level. But I had to explain to him that we are just not compatible together. Not because he isn't a nice person or cool to talk and hang out with but our personalities and ways of thinking were wayyyy too different to get into a serious relationship. So, this is something that I've noticed in myself for a while now. Some people aren't meant to date and that's okay, we are still cool, but to me, compatibility trumps attraction or the fact that we are both available, single, childless people. I am very self-aware. 

When you've spent the time and years challenging your own beliefs, trying to heal old versions of you and expanding your view of the world, it becomes difficult to connect deeply with someone who has no interest in doing the same OR doesn't recognize parts of themselves that needs changing. 

It's never about perfection...that doesn't exist.

To me, it's about willingness to grow, take the time to unlearn and relearn, the willingness to see life from perspectives other than your own.

 For a while I used to agree that the dating pool is getting smaller (and while that may still be true for many different reasons), I think there's an internal shift that happens and your standards just become a little more specific. 

I want a partner who truly understands that life is meant to be experienced, questioned, explored and expanded. 

I don't think my dating pool got smaller.

I think my personal growth just makes alignment easier to recognize.