What Do You Bring To The Table?

I recently found myself in a conversation with family and friends about the infamous question, "What do you bring to the table?". What started as a simple discussion quickly turned into a full-blown debate, and apparently, I have some thoughts.

For starters, I cannot stand that question. I understand the intention behind it, and I recognize that people have every right to want certain qualities in a partner, but something about being asked what I bring to the table immediately rubs me the wrong way.

Maybe it's the delivery, but why does getting to know someone suddenly feel like an audition? Am I supposed to start listing my qualifications and explaining why I'm worthy of your time? Because if that's the case, I think we've already gotten off on the wrong foot. 

Now, before anyone gets their panties in a bunch, I'm not suggesting that people shouldn't have standards or expectations when dating. Quite the opposite, actually. I believe knowing what you want is important, but I also believe there's a difference between having standards and expecting someone to convince you that they're worthy of meeting them.

Here's my issue.... people can tell you absolutely anything about them themselves. 

Someone can tell you they're loyal, emotionally mature, considerate, supportive, and everything else you want to hear. That sounds lovely, but what does any of that mean if their actions don't reflect it?

Isn't that the entire purpose of dating? Spending time together, having conversations, experiencing different situations, and allowing people to show you who they are?

You learn a lot about someone when things don't go according to plan, when you're having a disagreement, or even by watching how they treat someone who has absolutely nothing to offer them. Those experiences reveal far more about a person's character than a rehearsed list of desirable qualities every could. 

Also, let's talk about the wording, because I think that's where my biggest problem lies. 

Theres a significant difference between asking someone, "What do you bring to the table?" and asking, "What do you value in a relationship and what does a healthy partnership look like to you?".

One feels like you're genuinely interested in understanding someone. The other can feel like you're asking them to justify why you should bother getting to know them in the first place. 

Of course, I understand that not everyone interprets the question the same way. Some people see it as a perfectly reasonable conversation about compatibility, and that's fair. But personally, I prefer curiosity over interrogation.

Dating should involve learning about each other, not just checking boxes and comparing qualifications. We spend so much time trying to determine whether someone meets our expectations that sometimes we forget to enjoy the process of discovering who they actually are.

So maybe instead of asking people what they bring to the table, we should spend a little more time getting to know who's sitting across from us. 

Because sometimes the best things someone brings to your life aren't things they can put into words. They're things you get to experience.