Over the years, I absolutely entertained the idea of one day becoming a mother.
In my 20s, I knew I wasn't ready for that type of commitment.
I wanted marriage, a stable household, and assumed I had plenty of "time" if I ever changed my mind.
But to be honest? I never had that burning desire to become a mother, not the way I've heard my friends and mom express it.
I only thought about it because it was supposed to be the next phase of adulthood.
Degrees, career, partner, house, kids... right?
But as the years passed, 30 became 32. 33 became 35.
Now, at 37, I am in a completely different headspace.
I remember once making this elaborate plan to optimize my maternity leave with my school job.
“If I get pregnant in August, I can use my sick days at the end of the school year, then I'll have all summer with the baby…”
But did I have a husband? No.
I had my house, sure, but reality settled in when I realized what it truly takes to desire motherhood.
To really want to be a mom, you have to want it, "no matter what."
That's when it hit me.
I wanted to be a mother because that is what surrounded me.
I wanted it because my mom told me there are things I'll only learn once I am one.
I wanted it because that is what I thought I was supposed to want.
But today, as I look to pivot my life, I have entered a new era of Kellee and an era of newfound internal freedom.
And I cannot say that I want to be a mother "no matter what."
Let me explain.
In my personal opinion, you should want to be a mom unconditionally.
No matter if a father is present or not.
No matter if there are serious medical complications or lifelong disabilities.
No matter the financial toll, the physical burnout, or the mental strain.
NO MATTER WHAT.
Today, I cannot say that I want to join motherhood under those conditions.
I had a conversation with a friend who asked me a hypothetical question:
“If your dream man came along, your actual soulmate, would you reconsider?”
It was a great question.
Oftentimes, we think a man, or the lack of one, is what drives these audacious life choices.
I sat with that question, and my answer was still no (Insert bugs bunny meme lol).
Men are not the catalysts for my life decisions anymore.
Because even with a soulmate, I would still have to be prepared to do it alone if something happened, and still want to be a mom, no matter what.
When I stripped away everyone else's expectations, I finally sat with myself.
I looked at how I want to continue living my life and what that realistically looks like for me.
My answer was never "no matter what."
With a decision this life changing, if it isn't an absolute "yes" from the very start, it’s a no for me.
I want to reiterate: this is just me, my thoughts, and my opinion.
I encourage all women to follow their passions and dreams, whatever they may be.
But I know there are many women out there just like me.
Women who need to come to terms with the fact that they simply don't want to be a mother "no matter what."
And that is completely okay.
It isn't selfish. If anything, it is the most selfless decision you can make.
Because children deserve parents who want to be parents.
No matter what.
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