Who Actually Knows You?

I've been thinking about friendship lately.

Not because I think I need more friends. I actually have quite a few. But a conversation I had in therapy got me thinking about how many of those friendships are truly vulnerable.

I was talking about how I'm not someone who opens up easily. I can be social, I can have a good time with people, and I can talk to just about anybody. But letting people really get to know me? That's a very different story. 

I realized there are only a handful of people in my life who really know what's going on with me beyond the surface (and not surface level, but on a much deeper level).

They know when something is bothering me even when I haven't said anything. They know the things I'm working through, the things I'm excited about and probably some things I wish they didn't know. lol

I think we put a lot of pressure on friendships to fit into this idea of what a "real" friendship is supposed to look like.

And every friendship doesn't need to be an emotional support group.

Some people are just really fun to be around. Some friendships are built around travel, going out, work, shared interests, or simply knowing you can call each other when you need something. 

Those friendships can still be meaningful.

But then there are the people you can actually talk to when life isn't going the way you planned. The people you can admit things to without worrying that they'll look at you differently afterward.

Those are the relationships I find myself appreciating more as I get older.

I don't need a bigger circle. I want to be intentional about the people in the circle I already have. 

Pause.

Hmmm Enter: The Friendship Audit

This is just a little check in with yourself about the people you spend your time with. Think about the friends in your circle:

Who do you feel completely comfortable around?

Who would you actually call if something serious happened?

Who can tell you the truth without making you feel judged?

Who do you trust enough to be vulnerable with?

I think the last one is what makes the difference for me.

Take a moment to sit with your answers...not just to think about who knows you, but to think about how you show up for the people you love. 

Are you a safe person for others to be vulnerable with? Can the people in your life bring you their truth without fear of judgement, dismissal or having their vulnerability used against them later? And just as importantly, do you have people who offer that same safety to you?

Sometimes we become so good at being the person everyone comes to that we don't know how little space we've created for ourselves to be held, too. Being a safe place for others is beautiful, but friendship should have room for reciprocity. You deserve relationships where you can take off the armor, tell the truth, be messy, be uncertain, and still feel safe.

Adulthood also makes friendship a little more complicated if you let it. 

People change. Priorities change. Life just looks a little differently than 5, 10 years ago. 

I can appreciate what a friendship has been without needing it to remain the same forever.

But I do want the people closest to me to know me truly and genuinely, not just the version of me that's easiest to see. 

*The Friendship audit came from questions my therapists posed to me, and it just made me realize who I've actually let in.