If you're a woman in your 30's and single, there's one question that seems to follow you everywhere.
Family gatherings.
Work.
Random conversations.
"So...are you dating anyone?"
And if the answer is no, the follow up usually comes quickly.
"Well...do you want kids?"
"Have you thought about freezing your eggs?"
"You don't want to wait too long."
When I was younger, these questions really didn't bother me. However, as I become older, the more I grow tired of answering these questions, much less being asked. I really want to respond, "Do you see me with anyone?" or "I am not having kids without being married, so if you don't see me with anyone, that should answer your second question."
Rude? Maybe
Sometimes the questions come from a genuine place of curiosity or concern. Other times they feel like quiet reminders that, according to society's timeline, something about your life is supposed to look differently by now.
For a while, I think I internalized the idea that those milestones were the markers of success and being a woman. That if things didn't feel quite right, the missing piece must be through a relationship or starting a family, or some version of the life we were told we were SUPPOSED to want.
My perspective has totally shifted.
Not because I'm against love.
Not because I don't value relationships or family.
But because I've realized something important: I have spent the last 10 years hoping and wishing, and at times praying for things I THOUGHT I was supposed to want. But what if that is not my ministry? What if my calling is for something different? I am at the stage in my life where I am seeking alignment, not completing tasks.
Choosing a partner is one of the biggest decisions a person can make. It's not just about romance or companionship. It's certainly not just about "having a man." To me, choosing a partner is choosing a lover and someone you are spiritually aligned with. Choosing someone who is whole all by themselves, someone who has done the introspective work so that they can be better not only for themselves, but for their aligned partner.
That kind of choice deserves thought, patience, and honesty. And having children? Whew! That's an even bigger responsibility. It's a lifelong commitment that changes every single part of your life.
So when people ask me those questions now, I find myself thinking about things a little differently.
My focus is on me. My focus is fulfillment on my own. My focus is not waiting for anything to happen and to do more of what my purpose is (still figuring this out by the way, but maybe this is my start). I have many interests and hobbies. I love traveling (I recently had to cancel my birthday trip to Thailand due to this war in Iran...yikes), reading, puzzling, fashion, beauty, spending time with my family and friends, I value new experiences (40 before 40 list-I'll explain another time) and I am a serial crafter.
Some people might hear that and call it SeLfIsH.
I call it self-preservation.
Right now, my focus isn't about rushing toward marriage or motherhood just because I've reached a certain age (I would also note that I am still uncertain if these are things I aspire to have)
My focus is on peace, freedom, funds and LIVING!
I am learning who I am outside of expectations and outside of the pressure to meet certain milestones on a certain timeline.
If I choose a partner one day, I want it to be because we truly add value to each other, not because I felt pressured to fill a gap.
And IF I decide to have a child someday, I want that choice to come from a place of intention, readiness and love...never urgency or the 'ticking" of my biological clock.
Until then, I'm learning to be okay with the questions...even if I don't always have the answers people expect.
And maybe that's the real growth...giving yourself permission to live life on your own terms.
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